Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Top 3 "That's what she said's" about knitting

1. you want me to wrap your balls?

2. no, you put it in wrong.

3. my hands are getting tired.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Top 5 Things to do with a large ceramic apple

5. Boost its ego

4. Play Hide-And-Go-Seek

3. Take it out for a drive

2. Replace someone's head with it
1. Fake a pregnancy

Monday, January 19, 2009

Top 3 Reasons this Guy on the Plane Could Have Succeeded in an Earlier Decade

When I got on my plane from DC to Boston today, I was just excited that I was in economy plus and had extra leg room. Little did I know I was in for a show. There was a German girl who was probably 21 or 22 sitting in front of me and a guy, probably 20 or 21 came and asked if he could sit next to her. It was like he just wandered on a plane to Boston, no big deal. He was dressed all in sweats and had a terrible Boston accent. He immediately started hitting on this girl, asking her SO many questions, including the same one several times. I felt really bad for her because he kept saying, "oh you should just stay with ME in Boston" and shit like that. Then I see him lean over and try to KISS her. I tried to signal the flight attendant to move her or something, but eventually she asked herself.

Then I thought, technically, if this had been like a 1920's romantic movie, he would have done everything right.

Top 3 Reasons why he could have succeeded in the 20's
1. He asked questions - he asked her probably 50 or 60 questions about herself - never talked about himself. It shows he's inquisitive and interested.
2. He was persistent - guys back in the day never gave up, they kept pursuing and eventually the girl realized he was the man she had to marry. Example: Rhett Butler or more recently, Rocky.
3. He tried to kiss her - that's always super romantic when the man just kisses her because he knows that's what he just has to do. And it always worked.

Top 3 Reasons why Nowdays this guy looks like a creeper and a douchebag
1. He asked questions - he just WOULDN'T STOP asking her questions. I mean, really annoying questions. Plus his voice was really annoying.
2. He was persistent - like I said, he wouldn't stop! He didn't notice social cues and all in all looked like a jackass. Again, he also was really annoying.
3. He tried to kiss her - What the fuck? You just don't DO that unless you're almost completely certain that person is feeling it to. His first cue should have been that you're on a fucking airplane, met the girl 10 minutes ago, and you had to lean almost to the aisle seat to kiss her because she was moving away.

This kind of shit just does not fly (pun intended) nowadays. Guys who pursue are almost always creepers.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Top 5 Rap Lyrics I Enjoy Using in Real Life

5. Step back, step back, you don't know me like that.

4. F-A-B-U-L-O-U-S

3. Move bitch, get out the way.

2. I'ma tell you like a G told me

1. Aint Nothing But a G-Thang

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Top 5 Movie Plots that Girls Love

5. Doomed love - It's so beautiful, but only because you know someone's going to die or there will be some ridiculous circumstance that it won't work out. These people are usually soulmates.
  • Titanic
  • Romeo & Juliet (also see #1)
  • A Walk to Remember
  • Love Story
  • Cold Mountain
  • The English Patient
  • Atonement
4. Best Friend Love - When they realize they're in love with their best friend - because at some point in time most girls are in love with their male best friend. (Or female, hey I don't judge.) This usually involves a speech of confessing your love to win the best friend.
  • When Harry Met Sally
  • Win a Date with Tad Hamilton
  • My Girl
  • Pretty in Pink
  • My Best Friend's Wedding

3. Temporary unrequited love - The crush is on like THE most popular person in school and you think they don't notice you, but they do, and then you're like perfect for each other. Awesome because it gives hope the 98.1% of girls that this happens to.
  • Sixteen Candles
  • Never Been Kissed
  • Notting Hill
  • Say Anything

2. Conflicted Love - Oh, we fight and pretend we hate each other but on the inside we're in love and we're going to find out suddenly and then realize that we're soulmates because the fighting is actually passion! (It's why girls nag. Helllloooo)
  • Sleepless in Seattle
  • Sweet Home Alabama
  • Pretty Woman
  • How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
1. Forbidden Love - The ultimate love because you must risk everything! How romantic.
  • Dirty Dancing
  • Romeo & Juliet
  • My Big Fat Greek Wedding
  • The Sound of Music
  • Ghost

Monday, January 12, 2009

Top 5 Reasons the Eagles/Giants Playoff Game was Awesome, as portrayed by Foam Snowmen

5. The combination of my two favorite things! Making fun of people and crafts! How perfect is it that my roommate had foam snowmen that only came in the colors red, blue and green, and that our other roommate was a Giants fan. Perfect. That's why we hid these in his bed. And underwear drawer. And shoes. And shirt pockets. He. he.

4. The team spirit. E-A-G-L-E-S
3. The Philadelphia attitude. Yes that Snowman is giving you the finger.

2. The having a reason to make Plaxico Burress - note how he only has one foot.

1. The Score. That's 23 to 11. And the Giants dude is crying.

Friday, January 9, 2009

Top 5 Hottest Disney Men

5. Prince Eric (The Little Mermaid)- He was kind of dumb, but lovable.

4. Prince Guy who used to be the Beast (Beauty and the Beast) - used to be the beast. He was kind of hot when you finally see him at the end.

3. Prince Philip (Sleeping Beauty) - Mostly for his big sword though.

2. Captain Li Shang (Mulan) - What can I say, I have a thing for feisty Asians.

1. Aladdin (Aladdin) - A bad ass in his own way, that scruffy street urchin. I feel like if he was real, and in high school, he'd be that really popular guy who had the street smarts, but was always too apathetic and goofy to really do well. All the girls loved him and he usually listened to Dave, OAR and other stoner bands.